Since my dad's passing, I realized I needed more help than any one person in my life could give me. No one could fix the pain that I was going through and how much I truly missed this man that raised me so I started to see a therapist. One of the assignments she gave me was to write him a letter and bring it to our next session. I guess in a way I'm using the Foundation to connect with him even though he is no longer here physically. I wanted to share this assignment with all of you to see what an impact the people in your life carry. Know that when they are gone, you still have a connection, and allow yourself to feel everything. Don't try to push or bury those feelings down, but allow the happiness, anger, frustration, and sadness to come out.
Dear Dad,
In the simplest terms, I miss you. I'm frustrated you're not here to build the foundation or the financial business with me as we had been planning for the last 2 years. That you will never get to see my future children grow up and for them to get to know you. I thought we had more time and I hoped that as you dive into your retirement we could get to see all those World War II places we would watch on the history channel and read in books. I was excited that we were going to be able to have a Christmas with snow again as we planned our 2022 family trip to New York City. I know we can do all these things without you, but it won't be the same.
A piece of my heart is gone without you here and it is something that I've had to come to accept. I feel like I've been drowning in sadness and frustration. Throughout my days I'm in a fog when I'm alone so I strive to be as busy as possible. Less time to think. Less time to miss you. Less time to feel. March 24th will be forever engraved in my brain. A day that showed me how little control we have over our destination when our time is up on this earth. You can have all the plans in the world, but we are never guaranteed a tomorrow. We are never guaranteed a goodbye. I think I struggle with that the most; not getting to say goodbye. I don't think that it would have been easier, just different.
Lately, some big decisions have been coming up such as going after a bigger job, discussions on trying for children with Paulo, buying a house, and where we are going to grow our family. Normally I would sit down and talk with you about the pros and cons, good and bad of it all, and when I'm alone I break down because I know I can't do that anymore. It is something that I've had to learn to do on my own. You were my person, my support system, and my advice guru in every way. I could always talk to you frankly and know that I would get a straight answer back. Even when I didn't like the answer.
Every time I sit down to add to this letter I start crying unable to control my emotion. Letting each letter fill these pages with tears. I know at some point it will get better right now my brain is stuck in the never-ending loop that you are not here. As I reflect on that, it's a hard pill for me to swallow. I think back to trips or conversations that we had that you wanted to accomplish. I hope I can do half of what you wanted to see in your lifetime. I hope you are proud of what unveils in the future. I love you with all my heart (even though we never said it often) and I think about you every day.
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